I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
