It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
