whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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