P.S. I can't hear my feet
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
