saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize