someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
