i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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