I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
