A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
