bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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