Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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