bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
