i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
