THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
