It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
