He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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