from now on my penis is your penis
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize