Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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