Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
