I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
