chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you had me at cake vodka
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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