i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
