the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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