My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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