Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
time to smoke my breakfast
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
