I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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