I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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