I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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