Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
