Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
