Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
