She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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