It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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