I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
