there's paper in my vomit.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
