im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize