Girls should come with a carfax report
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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