She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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