you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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