There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
