Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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