fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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