I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
