did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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