I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I have post one night stand depression
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
