Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
