Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
