If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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