Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
