Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I had to cum in my sink.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize