My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
