i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
3pm strippers are depressing
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
