I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
