Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
