It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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