Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
