we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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