The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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