a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
